anti_social16

01:07 pm: Summer Love
Summer love
The kind she wants to last.
Endless moments together
the days when time went by so fast.

Her head resting comfortably on his chest
his arms wrapped tightly around her.
Nights spent doing nothing
everything around them nothing but a blur.

The first song they heard together
the one forever etched in her mind.
A memory of the good times
The special moments that bind.

He never met her family
there weren't enough minutes in the day
Every night he held her tight
wishing forever she could say.

A few weeks go by
total bliss and she's in heaven.
She's not one for summer love,
but quickly she's caving.

Summer ends,
and they go their seperate ways
Although she wishes things could last
deep down she knows that it ended that day.

Her summer romance is over,
time to make a new start.
But deep down inside
she knws that summer will always be apart of her heart.

08:13 pm: Blah

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09:13 pm: Can Can't Won't

I can’t give you my body
I can’t give you sex
and I can’t pleasure you.

But I can give you my mind
I can hold your hand and kiss you
and I can fit perfectly in your arms

I can’t be tall 
I am not a blonde
and I don’t have a models body

Because I am short
I am a brunette
and my body isn’t built that way

I won’t lower myself to wearing the bare minimum 
I won’t compromise my feelings
and I can’t be like the other girls are

Because I wear what I want
I feel what I want to
and because I am who I want

Maybe I can’t be what you want
and give you what you want
maybe I can’t give you happiness

But I can be here for you
I can give you all my love
and I can leave if that’s not enough.

01:02 am: Yay.. I think

wow so it's been a while.

Since the last entry, Mark and I got back together... surprise surprise. And I went to YC which was a kick ass time.

Tonight I dumped Mark, this time for good. If I go back with him, I'll lose any hope with Tanner because he says he'll stop talking to me. I am soo happy tonight though, I have a chance with Tanner. He says he'd probably go out with me, but right now the timing is off... so hopefully soon the timing will be right. He says right now he couldn't give me what I deserve he has too much on his mind. But that he wouldn't just be looking for ass, he'd want something more. So my fingers are remaining crossed.

haha this is an awesome mood... so ecstatic.

11:17 pm: numb
Mark dumped me tonight... twice... yeah totally wasn't expecting it. Until we got to his house he sat me down and the first words out of his mouth were "you know I love you right, and I always will"... yea not a great opening line. So basically he can't handle a relationship right now, he wants to be friends and just be able to talk and what not, he didn't make a whole lot of sense because he first said that he can't handle a relationship and we need to work on our friendship. Then he said that he's 16 and doesn't want to be tied down, he wants to explore his options, but he doesn't want to let go of us.

Lindsay came downstairs to tell us something and I was leaning on Mark but staring off into space. So she asked me if I was okay, I nodded yes, then she asked if Mark and I were and I shook my head. Then I started crying, and he just held me, telling me he's still always here for me, he still loves me and that it's okay and what not and that he was sorry over and over. Then decided he didn't know what he wanted. After a while to get me to smile he started to tickle me, and eventually started kissing me and just holding me. After his parents decided to go see Shrek 2 and so our choices were to either go with them or go back to my place. So we went back to my place, and under the impression that we were okay, we ended up doing it.

Once finished, he immedietly pushed me off of him and said "I shouldn't have done that" "why?" "because it was dumb" "why?" "because it's not helping this any". At which point I rolled over and stared at my rabbit. He wrapped me in his arms, kissed me and asked what I was doing. I responded with "looking at my rabbit" and rolled over again. So then neither of us said anything for a while, and I started crying again.

He got off my bed, stood above it and I rolled over and said "you have to decide what you want" after a couple minutes he responded with "lets be friends,without any of this because it hurts you." "no what hurts me, is knowing you'll look elsewhere for it" "I'm not going to look anywhere else for it." I didn't say anything for a while just cried and looked at him every so often. Then he decided to go, so he told me to call him later.

He came on msn later, and basically said that he'd been feeling for a couple months that he didn't want to be in a relationship, he just didn't know how to tell me.

My mom came down after that to try and comfort me, and I basically got a big talk on how my family and extended family won't do this whole teenage bullshit thing with me, and how I need to talk to her and my dad about some of these things that are bothering me so we can work through them. Yeah right, like that will happen.

We're trying to figure out what is going to happen with YC, because I don't want to go up there to hang out alone. Philip offered to let me hang out with him and his friends when we're not in concerts and what not, and Mark told me that I'm not going to hang out alone. So I have no idea what I'm going to do. Tanner offered to hang out with me, but said he'll be preoccupied with the Edmonton Girls. So I have until like tomorrow to make up my mind.

I don't want to let go of Mark, and we always make it through this. So I'm hoping that once he gets things in his life straightened out we'll be okay again. If it's friendship that he wants, he can have it, I just am not prepared to see him "dating" other girls.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go with the family to finish things up at St. Maggies so my dad can be home monday and more often from now on. Yea, that's not what I want. I think I'll just spend my day alone in my room, I'm not in the mood to be with people.

Anyway that's enough for tonight.

12:56 am: Update

THE FLAMES WON THE SERIES AND ARE GOING TO THE CUP!!!!!!! I watched the game with: Tanner =), Mark = ), Justin, Matt, then Anne, Cody, Lindsay and Cherish came and watched the third period. After we won we drove down Macleod, then ended up going up to 17th but not down it, the boys however went down 17th on foot. It was soo much fun.

I'm supposed to get x rays done for my fingers, so one of these nights Anne or someone will take me. Mark has a game tomorrow night and Kristin is going to come. I should really go to bed, seeing how I'm tired, but I'm wired at the same time.

Sarah thinks that I am a fucking backstabber and a life ruiner which I must say doesn't really faze me. She can think what she wants, but what the hell does she think of herself in all of this? Heather decided to unblock me, I'm not quite sure why but it doesn't really matter.

I'm off to talk to Tanner again for a while, then eventually go to bed. More on tonights events another time.

11:10 pm: Update

Everything's a mess right now, yet I don't really feel that horrible about it.

Saturday I went to Marks lacrosse game and they won =). Sunday I went to church, then to Boston Pizza with the Mattocks and Jo and Corey, then to Marks to watch the hockey game (which we lost again), then he came over for a couple hours.

I didn't have to babysit last night, so I stayed home and watched the game which finally we won. Tanner and I had a good heart to heart, and got some stuff out. We're super close on msn, and we're working on the face to face stuff, which I'm happy about. Maybe one day we'll be able to hang out without Mark again.

I went to the doctors yesterday (blah), he wants me to go for massage therapy once or twice a week for my headaches. He also said that he could feel the blood under the injury on my elbow but he didn't think that it was broken.

Tonight I babysat for the Osmonds, and after playing street hockey with them, I went to close their manual garage door and pinched 3 fingers in between the slats on the door. So now I can't type properly or get my ring off of my finger. It kind of sucks, but I get excused from gym until they heal.

Mark and I were invited to a party on Sandy Beach for friday, but my mom doesn't think she's comfortable with me going, but I'll probably end up going anywhere, it's not like I'm a hardcore party chick or like I'll do something stupid that I'll regret later. I told Kristin I'd go to the next party, so I better get myself there.

I've given up with Sarah and Heather, Sarah keeps reminding me how neither of them will let me ruin their friendship this time. So now I'm sitting here wondering why I cannot ruin their friendship yet it was okay for Sarah to waltz in and ruin mine and Heathers friendship. Although they'd likely argue that it was my fault or something, because of course, why should it be Sarah's fault, nothing ever is. So now for YC I am in a room with Madeline and Ta, which is fine because they're both nice and I likely won't spend a whole lot of time in my room anyway.

Last night I spent a good hour researching anorexia and bmi's and what not. I'm normal weight according to some calculators and underweight on others. According to my height weight age and activity level I should be consuming 1884 calories daily, therefore according to me, I should be consuming 942 max. People think I'm crazy, but whatever, it's control and it's what I'm going to do.

YC is a week from friday, and my parents are giving me 30.00 for food, which means more spending money because by then I won't be eating more than a meal or two a day anyway. Today I didn't eat much, but ruined it when I went babysitting and snacked on cheese and crackers. As long as I stay busy I don't feel the need to eat, and a meal or two a day will fill me up for the day.

Right, well this is a long entry so I'm heading off.

01:42 am: Blah

Mark lost his game tonight, so he was kind of cranky afterwards, but it was because he had no defense backing him up, seeing how he's goalie he needs a team in front of him. The Flames also lost, maybe it's a sign...

I spent 2 hours talking to Kristin tonight, she's really easy to talk to, she's been through my shit, and she doesn't sugar coat things or tell me things will get better. I can see a good friendship starting there. She really likes reading my poetry, and she says that Mark and I have something special. Aw!

Mark picked me up for dinner tonight, and I'd forgotten to ask mom if I could go over there earlier than planned, so she through a fit when he got here. Which didn't put him in the best mood. Ugh She's driving me insane, she went on some big rant about how I'm dishonoring them, and everything. She can't even look at me anymore. Makes me feel real loved. Friends are turning on me, family is turning on me, there's no where for me to go because of how things were handled last time.

Tonight, Anne and I decided that next time I am over there I am going to phone social services or someone and find out what my rights are legally at 16 if I decide to leave, and what my parents can do about me leaving. I am welcome to live at Marks, if legally I can, so we'll find that out as soon as possible.

I have a shitload of Social that I didn't do this week, and my teacher wouldn't tell me what questions are due tomorrow, with my luck it will be all 10 pages and I've only done one of them. Maybe I just won't do it, my grades in Social aren't hurting any. I have 6 math assignments that are yet to be handed in because I get so anxious about it, when I don't understand it. That I cannot even open my assignments anymore.

 I know there's something wrong with me, so why does everyone have to keep reminding me? I may not be fine, but that doesn't mean I'm going to admit it, and go see proffessionals. The first step is to get out of my house, if I'm not doing better after that, then we'll go from there.

Right, well I'm going to bed now.

03:45 pm: Blah. I got up this morning to have mom bitch about these past few weeks, and my dishonour and whatever other crap she could come up with. I sat in her room for half an hour staring at the same leaf on the quilt of her bed. As she sat there and told me the same things I've heard non stop for the past 3 months, and that if I have things that I'm holding in I should talk to them or to the counsellor. Finally she finished or gave up (seeing how I wasn't listening), and I walked Destiny to school.

Monday I have to go back to the doctors and get put on more pills for my stupid headaches. Yay for me, blah I hate doctors, doctors and hospitals. I'm considering going back to not eating, to the point where they have to put me in the hospital, that way I don't have to live at home, seeing how I can't go stay at Marks after what happened last time.

Sarah and Heather have gone back to being friends, as I mentioned yesterday, which puts me in an akward place. People wonder why I have trust issues... hmm... apparently people don't take the time to think.

Tonight I'm going to Marks Lacrosse game, except it's at the same time as the Flames game, so I'll miss that tonight. Oh well, not as if it matters. Nothing does.

11:38 pm: Reaccuring

Wow, I'm loving how just when things start to get back on track in life, everything goes downhill again. I actually thought I was past those few months from the summer and beginning of the school year, apparently I thought wrong. Things are exactly how they were, I've gone from 2 best friends, to one, however the two of them are friends again, and last time that left me without either of them.

I guess it's time to pour life into Mark and his family again, apparently I'm not good enough for other people. Damn me for being such a screw up, an inconvinience on the world. What did I expect? Did I expect things to stay the way they were in January? When people got along  and I didn't have to worry about what was or wasn't being said about me all the time. Life at home is horrible as usual and I cannot wait to get out of here.

If we could gauruntee that my parents wouldn't react the way they did the first time, I could move in at Marks, however we can't gauruntee that, and I can't put them through that again. I'm 16, so legally I can move out, yet everyone is terrifed of my parents. Damn this world.